Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
