I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
