i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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