I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
