i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
