No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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