She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
