What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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