Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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