I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
