I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
