true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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