turn off your phone and go to bed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂