She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
