I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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