I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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