Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
