oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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