guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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