It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
