Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
