im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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