census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm at about main and main street
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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