He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
