I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
