I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
