Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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