Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
