The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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