Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize