im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize