I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
