All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i now understand why vodka
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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