Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
