Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.