wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
