At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"