"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm