Texts From Last Night

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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by

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  (970): You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by http://tfl.nu/7cd3
  Replies (13) Good night (4010) Bad night (981)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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  (757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore. http://tfl.nu/pqxc
  Replies (31) Good night (1559) Bad night (4781)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
  Replies (23) Good night (5946) Bad night (1155)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit

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  (703): rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit http://tfl.nu/mkks
  Replies (14) Good night (754) Bad night (3027)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.

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  (319): I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie. http://tfl.nu/hxcl
  Replies (13) Good night (3103) Bad night (1141)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

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  (865): In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly. http://tfl.nu/9uwy
  Replies (10) Good night (746) Bad night (4163)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.

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  (518): I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer. http://tfl.nu/11oh
  Replies (16) Good night (3163) Bad night (1322)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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  (419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj
  Replies (13) Good night (4160) Bad night (1479)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader

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  (484): Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader http://tfl.nu/1luq
  Replies (6) Good night (987) Bad night (525)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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  (601): The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know. (615): My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens. http://tfl.nu/91vw
  Replies (10) Good night (1795) Bad night (414)
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help

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  (219): Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help http://tfl.nu/bokj
  Replies (5) Good night (360) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  He asked if he could come over tomorrow....

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  (503): So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn. (503): He asked if he could come over tomorrow.... http://tfl.nu/yk5d
  Replies (9) Good night (1622) Bad night (367)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.

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  (828): Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date. http://tfl.nu/q3v1
  Replies (4) Good night (536) Bad night (295)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward

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  (206): His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward http://tfl.nu/5ira
  Replies (7) Good night (527) Bad night (229)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?

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  (989): So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me? http://tfl.nu/cm4x
  Replies (8) Good night (338) Bad night (676)

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