this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
They took my balls.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
