We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
