Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How does one acquire holy water?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
