i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
