dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
