What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
