Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
