marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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