my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
