Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
