He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
