Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
