Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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