I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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