I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There r osticjed everywhere
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
