My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
