i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
