I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
